Regardless of where we come from or how we identify ethnically, it is clear that we all share a troubling past of racial trauma. This unfortunate commonality has disrupted our lives in many ways. Specifically, the legacy of slavery in northern Africa dating back to ancient Egypt has profoundly impacted black families. Enslaved individuals were considered assets by their owners, who often sold or purchased them as needed. This led to the abrupt fracturing of families, with fathers, mothers, and children being separated and sent to different owners. Enslaved families were also divided for inheritance purposes or when owners’ adult children moved away. These decisions were entirely out of the control of those most affected, resulting in a deep-seated sense of insecurity and attachment issues that continue to impact black individuals today. Many struggle to form meaningful relationships and feel a deep sense of connection to the struggle of overcoming these relational hardships.
As Islanders living in the United States of America, we may develop different behaviors as we grow into adulthood and seek intimate relationships. Some of us may choose to avoid intimacy, which can lead to independence but also success. Others may desire love but fear the potential pain and suffering that comes with it. My partner, Dodley Dossous, and I decided to take a deep dive into our own relationships in order to redefine intimacy, review our intentions, and analyze our sources of support for our blended family. We are committed to changing our patterns and learning secure attachment in healthy relationships, not just for ourselves but for our children as well. We can create a better future for ourselves and our loved ones by breaking the cycle of oppressive patterns.
Who among our immediate circle is truly supportive? I’ve been thinking about this question too. It’s important to have people in our lives who support our relationship and want to see it thrive. Have you noticed anyone in our immediate circles who seems genuinely happy for us and encourages us to continue growing together? It’s worth considering whom we can turn to for support and positivity in our partnership. Supportive of the flourishing of our partnership.
Whom we can turn to for support and positivity in our partnership. Supportive of the flourishing of our partnership?
I composed a message intended for an international audience and sent it to a group of qualified recipients. Afterward, I observed the numerous responses that came in.
The Message Read:
After a lot of soul searching and carefully considering what is best for Dodley and I, and for our children, we have ended our relationship. Although we are no longer a couple, I am thankful for the journey it has been. I respectfully ask that you honor our individual and collective privacy and refrain from commenting unsupportively. This decision did not come easily, but we believe it’s the right choice for us. We wish each other the best in life and appreciate the time we’ve spent together. We part with mutual admiration and respect for each other and thank you for your support as we work through this difficult time. Life doesn’t always turn out the way you expect it to, and my marriage has come to an end. I wish Dodley a full and happy future and hope to enjoy the same myself. We encourage all of you to continue your relationship with each of us. There’s no need to take sides, and we both appreciate your support as we begin the next chapter of our lives. Thank you for your role in our journey. If you wish to send messages of support, please send them privately.
With appreciation and gratitude, Jeanne
Who revealed their actual intentions supportive of the flourishing of our partnership?
- One of the recipients replied to Dodley with the intent to cause emotional pain by belittling, mocking, and boasting about the end of the relationship.
- One of the recipients expressed gratitude for being included in the announcement. However, they also shared their sadness about the reported event and used it as an opportunity to present themselves as an international opinion journalist. Unfortunately, they did not offer any support. Moreover, it appears that they are presumptuously promoting the status of this relationship in a self-appointed manner.
- Dodley and I have yet to hear from one of the recipients who were not directly involved in the announcement. This person seems to have many thoughts to share but has not approached us. They claimed to be spiritually aware of the disruption but deemed it unworthy of their wise counsel. Instead, they took on the role of an international opinion journalist and self-appointed critic of our relationship. Regrettably, they did not offer any support to Dodley or myself.
- I was pleased when this person voluntarily expressed their respect for me and our need for privacy and confidentiality. Unfortunately, this individual has taken it upon themselves to become an expected influencer with insider knowledge. They have gone so far as to screenshot partial message exchanges in an attempt to bolster their false sense of authority and perception.
- The recipient of our message promptly arrived at our home, displaying their sadness and disappointment. However, they also generously extended their support and personal resources to aid us in reconciling and strengthening our relationship.
- Within hours of receiving our message, this individual called and traveled a long distance to our home. They even offered to provide parental support for our daughters and encouraged us to take advantage of the weekend as an uninterrupted time to discuss our differences and create a plan to save our relationship.
- I was pleasantly surprised to receive a message from this individual, who quickly offered their support after I reached out. The very next day, they shared their experiences of vulnerability within their marriage and urged me to work toward reconciliation with my partner. They even mentioned that my partner and I have a great connection and that it would be worth fighting for.
- Despite not acknowledging the message directly, this individual showed up at our doorstep the very next day and engaged in discussions. They even shared their own personal experiences. Now, they have committed to having ongoing dialogues and cultural discussions with both of us about history and hope. We are grateful for this person’s frequent positive commentary on our efforts.
- The individual expressed complete trust in our capacity to contemplate and select the option that benefits both our individual and collective well-being. Additionally, she advised us to trust our intuition and spiritual self for appropriate guidance.
- This person appears to have chosen to align themselves with one of us and has severed ties with the other with little maturity. While there is no ill will, she seems to have taken it personally and feels responsible for showing her loyalty to just one partner.
- The recipient of the message has acknowledged it, but has also expressed being stunned and caught off guard.
- The individual acknowledged the message and expressed sympathy, indicating awareness of the efforts made. Although appearing detached at first, she checked in with one party a week later to inquire about the grieving process.
- After receiving the announcement, this individual contacted each of us privately to express their disbelief, sadness, and disappointment at the possibility of our relationship ending. They shared personal observations and reflections on our admirable efforts to build a strong, secure blended family unit. Additionally, they reminded us of the importance of being cautious about whom we allow access to our lives, regardless of their relationship with us. He provided several examples of individuals who have discouraged us with unfounded criticism and sensical reflections on our efforts.
- The individual who was initially contacted to disparage our breakup has instead reached out to us and shown support for our desired outcome, encouraging our prosperity and offering words of both encouragement and caution regarding certain individuals in our lives who may not have our best interests in heart. This person has even been open about their experiences with disruptive imposters in his relationships and personal growth. He has urged us to prioritize setting firm boundaries and continuing to nurture our relationship.
- Someone whom another person initially contacted to spread rumors and negativity about our breakup has recently reached out to us with words of support and encouragement for our desired outcome. He has cautioned us about certain individuals who may not have our best interests at heart and shared their experiences with disruptive imposters in our community. This individual has even taken steps to protect their intimate relationship by engaging outside the community. They have warned us about specific individuals who have shown great grief and hatred towards our relationship and have knowledge of assumed potentially disastrous endings. This person has been a great source of support and insight for us.
- Dodley was approached by an acquaintance who felt the need to express that they were praying for him. He mentioned the challenges of maintaining a relationship with a stepdaughter and expressed sympathy for what he believed to be Dodley’s situation. However, it’s important to note that his expressed understanding is based solely on his own experiences and not applicable to what he assumed was Dodley’s unique circumstances based on the discussions a recipient of the announcement forced into him.
REVIEW OF THE RELEVANT LITERATURE
The dynamics of intimate relationships among black islanders can be intricate and even paradoxical. Cohabitation is a prevalent choice for many black couples due to the greater societal acceptance of this living arrangement, especially when there is already a sexual relationship and children involved. It’s also seen as an opportunity to test the couple’s compatibility on various dimensions and determine if they can have a successful marriage in the future. Black cohabiters are more likely to have children than white cohabiters, and over half of all black children are born to unmarried parents. To further complicate the picture, many Black couples report that both men and women have children from previous relationships, making the choice of a single mate more difficult, as cited by Smock and Schwartz (2020). Chaney and Monroe (2010) argue that it is more complicated for adult intimate relationships among African Americans. However, limited representation of black marriages should not be misconstrued as a lack of regard for the institution of marriage and family security. In fact, black couples value marriage and aspire to have a strong, secure, and attached family unit.
It has been observed that some Black males may be perceived as less desirable marriage partners due to factors such as a decline in industrial employment and economic opportunities, as well as a lack of adequate parental guidance. Studies have shown that Black men may have lower confidence in their ability to provide for a family and may be seen as less attractive to secure Black women financially. Research by Chaney and Monroe (2010) also suggests that this happens as some men view marriage as a way of making money. Additionally, research indicates that Black men are less likely to marry a woman they are cohabiting with compared to men from other racial or ethnic groups, which may also contribute to the perception of decreased attractiveness as potential husbands. In turn, Black males may have become less inclined to marry, and recent research has shown that Black men are more likely to cohabit than marry if their earnings and educational level are low. Black women may turn as often to their own mothers, grandmothers, or other women in their kin network as they turn to men for support, thus minimizing the support benefits of marriage and maintenance of the family unit.
It is a fact that many Black and low-income couples prefer to cohabit rather than get married due to several social, cultural, and economic barriers. However, this does not imply that they have an aversion to the institution of marriage. These barriers include factors such as their views about the standard of living that should be attained before getting married, the man’s low economic status, negative experiences with their own parents’ relationships, and concerns about the possibility of investing time and emotions into a marriage that may end in divorce. Cohabitation, single parenthood, and having children outside of marriage are now accepted cultural norms in Black society, making them a common and likely outcome. The current research recognizes and respects the fact that many Black couples desire marriage and maintenance of the family unit, yet because of our family backgrounds and financial situation, we feel less confident in our ability to make a success of marriage and productive family units (Raley & Sweeney, 2020).
More than eighteen years ago, when compared with married Black women, Black women in cohabiting relationships had more education than their partners, higher incomes, and more egalitarian relationships. For these low-income Black mothers, recurrent cohabitation is not a revolving door or marriage roller coaster (Golub & Reid, 2015). These women can more easily remain unmarried or choose an alternate status, such as cohabitation, until they meet men who are their economic equals or, alternately, leave a marriage or relationship in which they are dissatisfied. Black women may turn as often to their own mothers, grandmothers, or other women in their kin network as they turn to men for support, thus prioritizing their own sense of independence and personal security, disregarding the potential support benefits of marriage and maintenance of the family unit. Black Women especially are faced with challenges within marriage, especially when it is blended, that may range from continuous conflicts with previous partner/co-parents, imposed gender roles and expectations, assumed cultural norms and obligations, lack of personal satisfaction and opportunities for individual growth and development all the way to abuse, assault, and battering and reported narrative that they are unworthy, undeserving and are responsible for the failure of maintaining the family unit.
CONCLUSIVE RESPONSE
We have received messages from more than 25 individuals who were not initially notified about the announcement. They have brought to our attention certain individuals who have abused their access to our relationship and shared personal reflections on how such incidents have seriously impacted our community. This has resulted in a decrease in the number of black islanders investing confidently in intimate relationships and has also harmed the reputation of our community. Therefore, they encourage us to cut ties with those who have proved to be imposters, caused harm, and to be vigilant in the future to safeguard our relationships from any further negative effects.
The negative and disruptive reactions were primarily caused by three individuals, who happen to be biological siblings. Their actions were motivated by their own insecurities and lack of effort to establish their own intimate relationships. They also exhibited confirmation bias regarding the hopelessness of successful intimate relationships, personalized resentfulness towards Dodley and me, grief over their own inability to change poor rational patterns, and worst of all, used our situation as entertainment for their dissatisfying, unevolved, and dreadful intimate life.
On the other hand, the most supportive responses were from friends and individuals who were informed of the announcement with the intention of discrediting our efforts to establish a secure and prosperous family unit.
Recommendations
The transition from being single or living together to engaging and preserving a secure marriage while maintaining family units is a complex process that Black couples face. It involves various factors such as special events, vacillation between the desire for commitment and indifference towards it, and loyalty to cultural norms and historical risk factors.
To promote intimate relationship commitment, cultural leaders should not assume that cultural norms and history are adequate. Instead, they should acknowledge different examples of relationship commitment and investment to encourage similar levels of commitment and stability in Black couples, despite their individual limitations and reported baggage.
Moreover, Black couples’ generational concept of a grand life and big social reception may serve as a social indicator of financial stability to the community, making it possible for them to succeed in intimate family life. However, many individuals report anticipated financial, professional, and family-rooted risk factors that can disrupt their relationship. It is essential to address these potential disruptions to ensure the success of Black couples in maintaining a secure intimate partnership and family unit.
The Black community, along with its cultural and family leaders as well as its members, can greatly benefit from learning how to develop effective and culturally sensitive interactions. This includes addressing disruptive belief systems, behavioral norms, culturally impaired communication styles and patterns, and feelings of hopelessness toward investing in intimate relationships. It is crucial to teach the value of commitment, conflict resolution skills, and the long-term benefits of nurturing intimate relationships, especially during times of economic uncertainty, limited academic achievement, and negative cultural and personal experiences. Despite wanting and deserving long-lasting relationships and family units, Black individuals may encounter difficulties in achieving them due to cultural and familial norms and social, economic, and cultural conditions affecting that do not prioritize healthy and secure relationship values.
LIMITATIONS OF THIS CASE STUDY
This report focuses on one specific case of intimate relationships among Islanders. The study aims to understand how minimizing disruptive responses can affect the outcome of the relationship. However, limitations include the couple’s dismissive reactions from biological siblings and one cultural actor, which could impact the transferability of the findings.
It is important to note that the author of the report is an active participant in the study, which may introduce some bias. Additionally, there is a lack of research on intimate relationships, specifically among Islanders, so this study contributes to a limited body of literature. Finally, the timeline and location of the experiment should be considered within the context of existing empirical research.
ETHICAL CONCERNS
- The study’s author was a participating subject in the research, which could potentially introduce bias.
- The participants were not informed of the announcement beforehand to gauge authentic reactions and this case study.
- During the study, the couple received the assistance of a qualified clinical service provider to ensure the appropriate processing of their responses and indications. However, this report does not contain any details regarding their sessions.
- As there is a lack of research on intimate relationships, particularly among Islanders, this study offers a valuable contribution to the limited literature on the topic. It is important to consider the experiment’s timeline and location within the context of existing empirical research.
- Traumatic events can lead to biological, neurological, psychosocial, and interpersonal limitations. Evidence-based intervention options can effectively reduce risks and increase positive interactions within Black intimate partnerships. This limitation support concerns for the possible continued generation of healthy individuals and the possible success of Black intimate partnerships.
Status Report
Dodley realized that establishing suitable boundaries was essential for his personal development. He had the confidence to seek assistance from professionals and external sources to address any underlying issues and safeguard himself. This enabled him to progress with a renewed sense of empowerment and self-assurance, seeking aid from experts and external resources to address any unresolved problems.
I acknowledged the limited availability of supportive influencers in our relationship. I took time to reflect on how my personal, historical, and professional biases may have impacted my perception of conflicts within the relationship. I adjusted my expectations to align with the risk and protective factors present in our relationship. Additionally, I recognized the importance of setting cultural boundaries and accepting external professional support. Lastly, I reaffirmed my commitment to intentionally investing in both Dodley and me for the betterment of our relationship.
Dodley and I have updated our conflict management and dispute resolution procedures for this relationship. Additionally, we have reviewed and revised our list of priorities, removing any that were culturally biased or influenced by past family experiences and trauma.
Dodley and I have resolved our conflicts and are now dedicated to investing in our unique, shared relationships. Our goal is to redefine intimacy, review our intentions, and evaluate the sources of support for our blended family.
We are committed to breaking old patterns and cultivating secure attachments in healthy relationships, not only for ourselves but also for the benefit of our children. We can create a brighter future for ourselves and our loved ones by breaking the cycle of oppressive patterns.
This relationship is ongoing… On May 24th, 2023 at approximately 2:30 pm Eastern Time, I commenced this research by sending a message to the qualified individuals and sharing the announcement referenced in this report.
Hello, my name is Jeanne Assinthe, and I am a clinical practitioner with expertise in trauma-informed care. As a Black Island woman, I have personal experience with intimate relationships and can offer valuable insights on the topic. I am also a certified ally to Black and Islander individuals of all genders and am committed to building mutually beneficial relationships with others. Unfortunately, I have encountered individuals who struggle with insecurities and are easily triggered by the idea of intimacy. I encourage these individuals to overcome their fears and invest in their own relationships. By doing so, we can break the cycle of oppressive patterns and create a better future for ourselves and our loved ones.
It is of utmost importance to acknowledge the significant contribution of Dodley Dossous to this study. His willingness to share his vulnerabilities created a constructive and transparent dialogue, which was essential to the success of this study. Without his invaluable input, the study’s outcome would have been compromised.
CONTACTS
www.amitiewellness.com
Facebook @Amitiellc
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Twitter @Amitiellc
LinkedIn @Amitiewellness
YouTube @Amitiellc5394
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Phone: (786)779-8898
Fax: (305)847-0432
REFERENCES
Chaney, C., & Monroe, P. (2010). Transitions to engagement among low-income cohabiting African American couples: A family perspective for policy. Journal of Family Issues, 32(5), 653-678. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513×10390860
Golub, A., & Reid, M. (2015). Cohabitation and Repartnering among low-income Black mothers. Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships, 1(3), 57-74. https://doi.org/10.1353/bsr.2015.0006
Raley, R. K., & Sweeney, M. M. (2020). Divorce, Repartnering, and stepfamilies: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 81-99. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12651
Smock, P. J., & Schwartz, C. R. (2020). The demography of families: A review of patterns and change. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 9-34. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12612
