For most people, New Year’s is the time to make resolutions to live their best lives in the year to come. Gyms become full of new members who resolved to shed a few pounds in the New Year, but the crowd often diminishes after a few months.
Others make commit to finding love in the New Year. Hoping to find someone special to spend their future with. That is where Dr. Caleb Jacobson comes in. Jacobson is not what you’d expect from a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. In fact, his methods and approach are far different than most in his field.
So, we sat down with the internationally recognized sex therapist to discuss how to uncomplicate your sex life in 2023.
Why are you against gender pronouns?
I’m not. But it’s not just gender pronouns. It’s also other identifiers that have become so popular that we have just started to make up words. And let’s be honest, most people don’t know what the hell they mean, not even those using them. It’s just confusing people.
So you think people are confused?
When it comes to sex? Absolutely! But sex therapists and educators are primarily to blame. Which is unfortunate because they should be the ones making it less complicated and helping people navigate these already complex issues.
How do sex educators and therapists make sex more complicated?
A while back I saw a post on Instagram. It said something like, “even if you are not attracted to someone of the same sex, your bisexuality is still valid.” I thought what does that even mean? If that is the case, then everyone is bisexual. So for about a month, I went around telling everyone they were bisexual.
All this stuff does is confuse people. Topics like sex, sexuality, and gender are really complex. People come to therapy often confused. Then they go on social media and become even more confused. It’s unfortunate what happens.
Does that mean you’re against labels?
It’s not that I am against labels. I also think people should be able to live and express themselves however they want. But we have created so many labels that we have only divided people into smaller and smaller segments. This makes them feel isolated. I don’t want people to feel isolated and victimized. I want to empower people. I don’t want to divide people, I want to help people connect.
Can you give an example?
When someone come to therapy and they can not orgasm because they are unable to be present during sex and they are distracted, it doesn’t matter if they are gay or straight. It is something that many people struggle with despite those factors.
When someone has guilt or shame around sex, it doesn’t matter if they are religious or not, or their cultural background. I see plenty of clients who are not religious who also have guilt and shame. These are issues that people struggle and deal with.
What should people who are dealing with these issues do then?
It’s important that people discover their own values and beliefs about sex. Not what someone else tells them to think or how they should feel about things.
How do people determine their values about sex?
This part actually takes work. It takes personal reflection. Which could be why so many people readily accept some of the stuff being handed to them on social media. A person needs to reflect what they think and how they feel about sex, regardless of what society or popular culture tells them.
For example, if you think you should wait till marriage to have sex, if that is your value, then you should wait till marriage to have sex. Don’t let people shame you for that. Likewise, if you feel it important to have different sexual experiences with different people, and you are doing it in a safe way, then don’t let someone guilt or shame you for it.
You’ve mentioned guilt and shame several times, how do people get rid of guilt and shame around sex?
I actually don’t think guilt and shame are necessarily bad. If you feel guilty because you did not uphold your sexual values, then it’s a warning sign you need to pay attention to. If you feel shame that you took advantage of someone for your own sexual gratification, then you need to pay attention to that. We have feelings and emotions for a reason.
But that is different than imposed guilt or shame. This comes from others imposing their values and beliefs on us. This is what I think is problematic.
How then can people have good sex?
The key is for people to understand not only their values about sex, but also what they like and dislike sexually. They then need to be able to communicate that to their partners. And unfortunately, this is where things get really complicated.
So what are you doing to make them less complicated?
Well, for one, I have my new podcast Uncomplicated Sex, which is available everywhere. I am also producing content on social media, primarily Instagram. And my goal is to help people get past all the noise and distractions and finally gain confidence in themselves as sexual beings and be able to connect with their partners. I always say, life is complicated your sex life shouldn’t be.
Dr. Jacobson’s new podcast, Uncomplicated Sex is now available wherever podcasts are found.
